I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
