we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
my poor anus
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
