Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
