So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
