The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
