Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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