from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
