i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
