So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
