I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
