I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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