everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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