Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
