i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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