ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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