i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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