I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
