I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
