Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
