You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize