and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
