I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
