Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
