ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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