I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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