I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
