i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
