first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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