A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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