we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
