I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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