if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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