Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
