Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
They took my balls.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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