you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
