just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
