I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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