I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
