Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize