I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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