I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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