highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
