What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
