i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize