Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
