End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
