hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
