her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
im having a threesome with these popsicles
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
