Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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