apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
