I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
