he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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