I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
