There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
