my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
