guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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