Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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