Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
