i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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