i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
