i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
