Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
